Ramblings...

So, I have like a million thoughts roaming around my brain. Honestly, I could probably write several blog posts right now about all the things running around in my head. But I won’t because I don’t really have time to write more than one blog post and because I’m not sure you will want to hear all that babble. 

I’m thinking about Mother’s Day and after reading this blog post and the follow up posts and comments, my heart felt so confused. Not in a bad way. Rather, in an uncomfortable way that was pushing me out of my “box” and into new territory. I resonated with that blog post so much. How can we honor mothers yet not exclude other women? (I’m not wanting to start a dialogue on here, just asking the question that is in my head) And then, on Mother’s Day, in a country that doesn’t celebrate it, our church did. And they asked all mothers to come to the front. Not just stand up, to come up to the front. My heart sank. I sat there (yes, I sat, I know I’m pregnant but I did not go up) thinking “Is anyone hurt by this? Why does this bother me so much? How can something meant to honor such an important person feel wrong?” So yeah, it was weird. My heart was heavy the rest of the day. And then, after church I ate lunch with a Chinese gal who shared with me that she had to “get rid of” her second pregnancy because of the one child policy. She already has a daughter. When her daughter was two, she got pregnant again. In her own words, “I had no choice, I had to get rid of it. It was so hard to do because to me that was my baby, it was life. It hurt me. Now I try really hard to not get pregnant because I don’t want to have to do that again.” My heart broke again listening to her struggle. She didn’t share with me so I could pity her, she was factual in her retelling yet also graceful. I’m not even sure why she told me, I guess because she was asking about my pregnancy and we were sharing stories. Let’s just say Mother’s Day touched my heart in a way it hasn’t been touched before (maybe because God is shaping it into a mother’s heart?). 

The nursery is currently in an uproar. Ok, it’s not that bad - but it’s not even close to ready. We have one wardrobe full of all things baby and it’s somewhat organized. I had to get it organized because my friend graciously threw a baby shower for me & Peanut a few weeks ago and I needed to make sure I had space to put all the wonderful gifts we got. I’m ready to start getting that nursery ready! I have also been really wanting a rocking chair or glider for the nursery and thought I wouldn’t be able to find a comfortable one without breaking the bank, however, last weekend I was hired to photograph a maternity session for a couple expecting their first later this month and they had a glider in their nursery! I was so excited about it. And they got it on Taobao!! Why didn’t I think of that? Man, Taobao really does have everything (as my husband always says). 

Pregnancy is still going well. I don’t have a new belly photo for you…hmmm…I should do that today. Baby girl is super active and rolls and tumbles all the time. She also gets the hiccups almost every day. It’s cute. I’m liking this stage of pregnancy much more than the first trimester. 

I think that’s enough rambling for today. I’ll try and post some pictures of the baby bump later this week. And I have a few other posts I’ve been wanting to get up. Hmmm…get the nursery ready or blog? That is the question. 

Pre Holy Land Thoughts

Photo courtesy of wikipedia.com

Last night, I went with my friend to get my hair cut (finally).  So thankful that she came with me because my hair actually turned out pretty close to what I wanted.  Yay!  Today while you read this, I will have just taken the train into Shanghai to stay the night with some friends so I can catch my 10am flight on Sunday to Israel!  Back in the fall, my parents' church (and the church we attended in Richland) started recruiting for a trip to Israel to tour the Holy Land.  My mom wanted to go, but my dad wasn't able to, so they paid for me to go with my mom.  It's a double blessing because not only do I get to see the places Jesus walked and taught, but I get to see my mom.  So fun.

I'm almost ready to go, bags almost packed, but one thing I wish I had done more of was read and watch movies or documentaries about the places I will visit.  I know I'll learn a lot, but I just feel not as well prepared as I could've been, you know?  Anyways, here are some of my "Pre Holy Land" thoughts... 

1. I hope I am able to take it all in.  We travel a lot, but I feel like this trip is a once-in-a-lifetime event.  I get nervous thinking about that because I keep thinking, "what if I can't take it all in?"  I have no idea what that really means, but I'm anxious to experience it all. 

2. Warm weather.  I'm excited for 70F weather.  It got cold again this week.  Brrr...

3. Food.  Besides seeing the amazing sights we will see, I'm so excited for the food.  I love Middle Eastern and Mediterranean food so I'm pretty sure I'm going to eat until I get sick every night.  Haha.  Yay!

4. I'm not crazy about tour groups.  There's always one or two crazies who annoy everyone else.  I have a hard time ignoring those people.  But - I'm hopeful I can just stick by my mom's side and her friends from church and not have to get carried up in any drama.  We have over 40 people in our tour group, I'm pretty sure there's going to be some drama. 

5. And lastly, I keep thinking "how do I prepare my heart for this?"  Again, not sure how to answer that one, but lets just say that I keep praying and asking God to make me a learner of Israel.  To be aware of what's going on around me and to really experience the culture.  I want to walk away not just knowing more about the Biblical and historical sites, but more about the local culture and people who live there.  These are just places, holy places but still just places; it's the people who lived there (like Abraham, King David, Jesus & the Apostle Paul) and the people who live there now (both Israeli Jews and Palestinians) who God loves deeply.  I hope that I can see past the stones and replicas and into God's heart for that place.  

Home

My sister with Grandma this summer

I feel like the title home fits well with this post as it has multiple meanings for me right now.  Home is here, in China.  I feel like this is our home.  Home is family.  Part of our hearts are always with family in the states wishing we could be closer.  Home is heaven, with Jesus.  A promise made to those who choose to follow and obey.  Home is the life we used to have (familiarity) and the life we now live (reality).  

On Sunday, my Grandma went home to be with Jesus.  She was surrounded by family as she took her final breath.  Family was there all weekend singing to her, encouraging her and spending time by her side.  I am confident that Grandma could not have asked for more and was at peace knowing her family was by her side.  It's a hard reality for us, being so far away, and not being able to jump in the car and join everyone with Grandma.  But yet, we know we are where we need to be. 

Home is here.  In China.  Today I was in a taxi driving across the city and I just kept thinking how normal it all felt.  Even though my heart is heavy and I am sad not to be with family, I feel like I am home.  There is nowhere else we're supposed to be.  This reality does not dampen the heartache of losing those we love in the states.  I think grief definitely looks different when you are half a world away, the feeling of closure isn't a reality for me.  However, I still feel the loss.  The knowledge that Grandma no longer with us and the heartache that brings.  Thankfully, no matter where I would be living, we all have great peace in knowing that Grandma loved Jesus and is now with Him.  She had a homecoming the day we experienced a goodbye.  

This week we also found out that our (former) dog Coco had to be put down.  She got into some medications and it fried her central nervous system leaving her paralyzed.  Her new family did all they could, but there was nothing left to do for her.  Reading this news was heartbreaking in so many ways.  We are sad, we know her new family is incredibly sad and the tragedy of it all is just hard to think about.  Coco was, technically speaking, no longer our dog.  However, we had her for almost three years as part of our lives.  "Home" in the states consisted of her in it.  I think it was even harder for me because over the past several weeks I have been thinking of both Coco and Nala several times, remembering their personalities and the joy of having them be part of our lives.  

Home is in China.  Home is with family.  Home is heaven.  Home is here.  This is our new reality.  

Where's your identity?

Over the past several weeks, as we have been in transition living with my parents and traveling around, I have realized that something is missing.  Without a home, a place that is mine, I'm less...well, less stressed!  You would think it would be the opposite right?  Without a place to call home one would assume that the stress level would rise as a result of living in transition.   However, that is not the case.  Instead I feel less stressed.  Odd?  Maybe.  But I think I have figured out why.

Last week I saw a video (part of a marriage series), that addressed the "non important" things in our lives and how we let those things cause conflict in our marriage.  You know, the non-important, worldly things that rise to a level of importance so high that to shirk certain duties would be considered treason against holy matrimony.  Oh, you need an example?  How about cleaning.  Is cleaning good?  Yes.  Does it provide order and hygenic living that allows you to feel at peace about counters, floors and the like being clean?  Yes.  Is it important enough that when a certain someone doesn't vacuum/unload the dishwasher/clean the bathroom the way you asked it calls for resentment and anger?  No.  It's really not.     

I say it is not important because in reality, tasks like cleaning should be secondary in our lives.  The important things - putting each other first, spending time together, listening to each other, being kind, having patience, serving one another - should always be a priority.  But in reality that doesn't happen.  Instead, when my husband usually comes home from work I'm deep in the middle of cooking, attempting to clean the kitchen at the same time.  I'm not really listening to him as he shares about his day or is trying to process something with me.  Nope, instead in my mind I'm worried if the chicken will be done at the same time as the potatoes so both can go on the table together.  Do you think my hubby cares if the chicken is done a few minutes late?  Not at all.  He would rather have my attention for five minutes.  Need another example?  How about insisting that the bathroom has to be spotless before company shows up instead of taking ten minutes to unwind together over a glass of wine.  Or getting mad when the dishwasher isn't unloaded when I get home from work and he had Friday off.  Really?  Is it worth getting upset about?  I used to think it was.  I felt totally justified in my anger that he should have taken the time to at least unload the dishwasher.  You know what?  It's not important.  Instead he spent all day working on our finances to make sure that we had everything in order so our bills get paid on time.  But I never took time to realize that...

In short, not having a house to clean and keep in order has made me, um, nicer?  Weird.  I'm not saying that I used to go around mad all the time, because I'm really not that kind of person.  But I would get worked up about weird stuff and be jumpy and anxious about "keeping house" because that's what was supposed to be important, or so I thought. 

Watching that video really made me think about what I consider important - and more importantly, made me think about where I find my identity.  If I was getting upset and feeling anxious about "keeping house", I'm pretty sure that means that at least part of my identity was wrapped up in how my house looked and how good I was at keeping it all together.  I don't think that's how it is supposed to be.  

It's funny how the Lord reveals certain things at unexpected times to teach us, shape us and grow us.  I never saw how highly I held the "non important" things in my life before, how it was affecting my marriage and how it had became part of my identity.  My prayer now is that I will have the grace and the courage to maintain this new outlook as we transition overseas.  Apparently living overseas is actually more stressful!  There are many more things to get worked up about.  If I can work now towards eliminating one of them, maybe there's hope for a happier tomorrow.  

I haven't figured it all out, I learn as I go - both feet in, up to my neck.  But I do know that when we put our identity in something, once it is removed something else takes it's place.  I hope that as we walk forward through this transition, that my identity is not displaced to other "non-important" or worldly things.  That instead, I put my identity not on what is seen, but what is unseen.  For this world is temporary, but Christ - He's eternal!