The things people say..

Awhile back I shared some of the cultural differences that Chinese have regarding pregnancy. The differences don’t stop there! After the baby is born there is a whole other set of rules to abide by for both the mom and the baby. In lieu of writing out a list, I will instead share with you all some of the advice, criticisms, warnings, whatever you want to call them, that people have been sharing with us. 

Baby leggings are not only cute, but also keep all the Chinese grandmas
from telling me my baby is cold. Win-win!

1) “Your baby is cold.” We have also heard, “Why is the baby not wearing clothes?” or “Is she cold?” Chinese don’t allow newborns to have any skin showing - at all! Even in August when it’s 90+ degrees and humid and your baby is sweating, they will still ask if the baby is cold because her legs aren’t covered. And Atalie? She is never cold. That girl is a furnace (just ask my mom). Our friend who came and did newborn portraits for us is trying to expand her photography business in China but is having difficulties because of this rule. Newborn portraits are a lot cuter if the baby is naked (or almost naked). She was telling me that she has to appeal to the grandparents because they are the ones who make all the decisions regarding the baby (another cultural difference - what grandma says goes), but hasn’t been very successful so far because no good Chinese grandparent would allow their grand baby to be undressed for that long of a period of time.

2) “You should take off your wedding ring, it can hurt the baby.” I’m not really sure if this is just a nurse being overprotective or if it really is a cultural thing. Either way, I was told this at the hospital. And no, I did not take off my wedding ring. 

3) “Your baby is hungry.” We were told this by the nurses every time Atalie cried at the hospital. Even if I had just fed her. And new-newborns aren’t starving, although nurses in China would have you think otherwise. In fact, right after Atalie was born she didn’t want to nurse (she had to have her stomach pumped, I’ll explain more when I post her birth story), however, the nurse on night duty insisted that Atalie nurse. It got to the point of Atalie screaming for an hour. Why couldn’t she just let her sleep? In China, it is also widely believed that colostrum is not good enough for the baby. Many hospitals supplement with formula until the mom’s milk comes in (if the mom breast feeds at all) and, I would guess, the majority of Chinese women don’t breast feed. If you don’t want them to give your baby formula, you have to be forceful in communicating that you will breast feed only. 

This past weekend at the park we drew a crowd,
along with a lot of questions, advice, etc.
(Atalie is in the yellow stroller)

4) “Don’t put your foot so close to the baby, she can smell your feet.” This was told to Steven by one of the nurses at the hospital. This is just funny. It’s his baby! I think Steven can put his feet wherever he wants near his baby…well, as long as I say it’s ok. ;-) And, for the record, Steven doesn’t have smelly feet. 

5) “What does she have in her mouth?” Chinese don’t use pacifiers. I’m not sure why not because some babies love them! It took Atalie awhile, but now she goes to sleep much faster when she has her pacifier. I’ve also been told by several random Chinese that the pacifier will “ruin her mouth.” I’m not sure where they heard that or why they think that. I just reply by saying that my doctor says it’s ok. 

6) “She must be one month old.” Or two months, four months…Chinese love to guess the age of your baby. And there’s a rule - neither the mom nor baby are supposed to leave the house for the first month. So, of course, when they say she is one month old I agree (to avoid getting yelled at). And when they ask her age I say one month (even though she won’t be one month old for another week). I’m glad Atalie is a long baby because she looks older than she is.

7) “There is no point in breast feeding your baby past six months. You should stop at six months.” This advice was given to me by a woman who I know, but not well enough for me to feel that she could make this comment. The cultural difference here is that other people feel it is their responsibility to give a new mother advice about everything - even if they don’t know what they are talking about. I’m not saying this person doesn’t know anything about breast feeding, she does have two grown children, but this is just one of the many pieces of advice she kept giving me when she came to visit. And she provided no reason for why you would stop breast feeding at six months. Sometimes I think Chinese make up advice to give you so they have something to tell you since giving advice is appropriate and expected. 

Awww! She’s so cute. But even with that bow we
will be questioned on if she is a boy or girl.

8) “Boy or girl?” Even when there is a flower or bow in her hair. I’m not kidding. On Sunday, we took her to church for the first time. I had three different people ask me if she was a boy or girl and she had a flower covered headband in her hair and was wearing a dress. This is just something I need to get used to answering. Chinese dress boys and girls in the same clothes when they are infants. That changes as they get older, but when they are babies there is not much gender difference in clothing, if any. 

These are just a few of the differences I have experienced so far with having a newborn baby in China. It’s hard at times to accept the differences and be polite instead of wanting to correct their misunderstanding or brush them off for unwanted advice, but I’m trying. 

Recently, I was reading in the Psalms after a late night feeding and found a passage that really spoke to my heart about the goodness of God as our Provider: 

Psalm 36:7-9

How precious is your steadfast love, O God! The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings. They feast on the abundance of your house, and you give them drink from the river of your delights. For with you is the fountain of life; in your light do we see light.

In the midst of being overwhelmed by motherhood, exhaustion and navigating a culture that sometimes rubs the wrong way on my values, these verses are a reminder to take refuge in God and allow Him to sustain me with feast and drink. To submit myself to be washed in His fountain of life - to see His light. This is my prayer for the coming months as I continue to transition to motherhood (a hard enough task) in a culture that is not my own. May God show me His light so I may find His abundance and delights in the everyday. Even if I don’t like it.

Just one more. Because she really is the sweetest.
(This is her first Starbucks experience)

Bad China Day

Overall, in the past year I have had fewer and fewer “bad China days”.  These types of days are defined by feeling overwhelmed, defeated, irritated or even angry at China and living here.  It is usually a result of reality not meeting expectation.  I actually really enjoy our lives here (even when it is hard sometimes).  At first, having a “bad China day” could result from numerous new experiences I would have.  The longer I live here, the more I anticipate situations and know what to expect thus having less and less “bad China days”.  However, last Friday was an exception.

The swimming pool in our complex opened July 1st.  China has this weird thing about swimming pools, they religiously open only from July 1st to August 31st.  Even if the weather is hot in June, they won’t open the pool.  And September here is quite warm and they close it every year on August 31st.  Anyways, strange but true!  So the pool opened and I went and bought a pass to be able to use it. Also strange, the family pass is for two adults and one child - it caught me off guard since most family passes in the States are for 2 adults and 2 or 3 children.  The pool is “open” from 2:00pm - 9:30pm, however, there is a sign posted by the pool that swimming when it is not “open” is considered at your own risk and the management will not be held liable for any injuries or accidents that occur. Fair enough, right?  The sign doesn’t say “you can only swim when it is open”.  We also know several others who have swam when the pool wasn’t open.  

This isn’t our pool, but one in a neighboring complex.
It’s a little nicer than ours (and has a real fence surrounding it).

So, the first Friday the pool was open I wanted to go swimming in the morning.  I figured it would be better to swim in the morning when there are less people and it shouldn’t be a problem based on information I had from 1) the sign posted and 2) other people’s experiences.  Steven, myself and a friend went at around 8:30am and had the pool all to ourselves.  Just before 9:00, several kids and their parents showed up at the pool.  The kids all had on water wings and were “playing” in the shallow end.  At 9:00, one of the managers showed up and told us (just us adults, not the kids) that we had to leave.  I tried to argue that the sign didn’t say we couldn’t swim but my Chinese isn’t that good.  He kept repeating the pool didn’t open until 2:00pm.  When I motioned to the kids and said why can they swim, he said they were “learning” (at this time there was no other adult in the pool with them).  Well, it didn’t really look like they were “learning” it appeared they were “playing”.  I felt super frustrated at my ability to not communicate.  Steven got upset and left.  My friend and I stayed for a few more minutes (mostly because I was convinced that we weren’t breaking any posted rules).  Well, about five minutes later a swim instructor showed up to teach the kids.  So, yes, they were learning!  Totally understandable that they wouldn’t want others in the pool during swim lessons, however, the manager never stated any phrases that would lead us to believe they were having lessons (like class, teacher, student, etc).  So, we left. 

I was so mad.  I wasn’t mad that there were swim lessons and we couldn’t swim, I was frustrated at China.  I was mad that the sign said one thing and the manager another.  I was mad that he couldn’t just tell us there were swim lessons but instead insisted we could only swim during “open” hours.  I was just really mad.  And it ruined my entire morning.  I hate that.  Later that morning, I finally calmed down long enough to reason through what happened, confess my anger and frustration and move on from the incident. 

All that to say, it was a “bad China day”.  Since then however, we have been able to go swimming in the mornings, we just go earlier - at 7:00am.  And we’re not the only ones there!  Usually we have three to five other companions also taking advantage of the empty pool to swim laps.  There are these two older women who are super sweet and get excited when we show up.  And there’s a group of tai chi ladies who do their morning exercises poolside.  I’m thankful we found a time that works, and I feel more comfortable swimming when other Chinese are there, it makes me feel confident that we aren’t breaking rules (although we still might be, rule breaking is common in China, but we aren’t breaking any posted rules).  I have yet to go in the afternoon, not because I don’t want to, I have just been busy in the afternoons.  And it’s been raining like crazy, which makes the pool water cold (they don’t heat it at all, not even with thermal covers) and makes it harder to get up the nerve to go swim!  

I’m thankful we have a pool in our complex.  It’s a nice way to “beat the heat” and I love being able to do some form exercise while in my third trimester.  Starting out on a bad foot wasn’t the best way to make me feel welcome using the pool (that I pay to use), but my frustration is over and now I can actually enjoy it. 

Cultural Differences about Pregnancy in China

One of the things that is most interesting about being pregnant in another country is learning how that culture approaches pregnancy, birth and babies. Are there dietary restrictions that are different? What are pregnant women allowed to do for exercise? I have learned a lot about Chinese culture from being pregnant! And I’m sure I will learn more as we raise our daughter here. For now, here are some of the biggest differences I have noticed about how Chinese view pregnancy. 

1) Pregnant women do not drink or eat cold things. This includes some fruit (like bananas, in China bananas are considered “cold"), ice, ice cream, and room temperature or cold beverages (pregnant women are supposed to drink only hot beverages). My Ayi has never said anything to me about this, even when she sees me pour refrigerated water into my glass, however, I have had several friends say things or comment on what I’m drinking. Especially when I ask for extra ice. 

2) When you are pregnant, swimming is absolutely not allowed. Water is considered cold, so going along with the first point, submersing your body in something considered cold is not good. I will be breaking this rule a lot this summer once the pool opens in our complex. :-) Whenever I tell my Chinese friends that in America swimming is considered excellent exercise for pregnant women they are very surprised. Also, after you have a baby, you are not supposed to wash your hair or shower for 30 days - sponge baths only! Something about wet hair and cold…after I have the baby, I’m sure I will have more insights to share about the cultural difference regarding birth and newborns.

3) There is some sort of rule about pregnant women and electronics. I don’t actually know what is or is not considered ok by the Chinese, but I had a Chinese friend comment last week that since I was pregnant she called Steven because she knew I wouldn’t be using my cellphone. Uh, ok. I have also heard from friends that while they were pregnant their Chinese friend or Ayi would freak out whenever they used a laptop. One friend said her Ayi would try and take her laptop away. Too funny. 

30 weeks pregnant in Hong Kong. I broke a lot of Chinese rules on this trip
including flying and asking for ice at every place we ate.

4) Pregnant women are to do as little as possible. This includes cooking, working, shopping, etc. I get stared at a lot out in public, more so now that I’m pregnant. People almost gawk when they see me on my e-bike or shopping for groceries. I’ve had friends ask if Steven is doing all the cooking. And recently I’ve been working with a local orphanage to organize volunteers (probably more on that in a later post), however, because I’m pregnant the volunteer coordinator came up with at least 3 reasons why I shouldn’t volunteer because I’m pregnant (I’ll be too tired, the babies will kick my stomach and I might get sick - the only one being a true risk is getting sick). I feel bad for Chinese women who are confined to their homes, unless, of course, they want to be. But constantly being told what you can and cannot do must be annoying! Other random things pregnant women are not allowed to do: fly (at any point in pregnancy), and be in a room with an air conditioner (cold air - we’ve covered this, yeah?).

5) You must eat more food. I think this is also widely misunderstood in the States, but pregnant women do not actually need to eat “for two people”. Of course, being pregnant means eating nutritiously, taking prenatal vitamins and in the third trimester, yes, eating a bit more; but no, I do not need to eat double the amount of food I used to. One of my Chinese friends was surprised at how my face was not fat. He said his sister gained a lot of weight in her face and that she needed to eat so much food while pregnant. Every women is different, some gain a lot of weight, some gain a little - but I think the Chinese women on average tend to gain a lot of weight everywhere. It’s a combination of point #4 above (not being allowed to do anything) and having their mother or mother-in-law constantly cooking for them and making them eat. Although who wouldn’t want a personal chef while you are pregnant, am I right? 

6) Sex. I debated including this on here, but it is a cultural difference. Chinese think you cannot have sex while you are pregnant. That is all I am going to say about that. 

There you have it! Those are some of the biggest cultural differences I have noticed in China while being pregnant. I’m sure there are more, but these ones come up the most. It’s so interesting learning about cultural differences through the experience of pregnancy. There are also a lot of differences in how Chinese view birth and caring for newborns, but I’ll save that for later. 

Oh, look, my glass is out of ice. Better go refill it...

Finding House Help: A Success Story

In the past here on the blog, I’ve shared some frustrations and challenges with hiring house help, or as we say in China, an Ayi (pronounced, i-e). I had an Ayi last year for about nine months or so, but eventually had to let her go due to a lack of ability to communicate. She didn’t speak Mandarin Chinese, but rather a local dialect that neither I nor many of my Chinese friends could understand. She was also a little stubborn to learn to do new things. There are many differences among all cultures in how we approach keeping our homes clean, and she was not very willing to learn how I would like her to clean. 

After she left, I went several months without an Ayi, which made me really appreciate having an Ayi. Living in China is full of challenges and cultural stress, and having someone come help clean a few times a week is a huge blessing and something I need to maintain sanity. It feels so petty saying that I need an Ayi to maintain sanity, but you will have to trust me on this. I could write a whole blog post about how quickly my home here in China gets dirty. I will spare you (you are welcome). 

In January, I started getting serious about finding an Ayi. My strategy was to find someone who previously worked for foreigners. I had multiple reasons for this. One, they would be used to someone showing them how to clean a different way (most Chinese who hire an Ayi don’t tell them how to do their job, but all Westerners take time to “teach” their Ayi how they would like them to clean). Two, she would probably speak Mandarin, not just a dialect, and would hopefully have practice speaking Mandarin to a foreigner in a way foreigners could understand. And three, an Ayi who previously worked for foreigners would understand that we have cultural differences and would hopefully work with me to bridge the gap in these differences instead of getting upset or moody (like my old Ayi). 

My only hesitation in hiring an Ayi that previously worked for foreigners is that they usually expect higher pay. Many foreigners in China are here with a large company (Ford, Siemens, etc) and their companies pay for a full time Ayi for the family. Usually, these Ayis are paid $1-2/hour higher than Ayis who work for Chinese families. However, I was willing to pay that extra $1/hour to get someone who could meet the above criteria. I prayed about it, searched online, talked to friends and finally, I hit the jackpot. In March, I found a post on Facebook from an American who was leaving and wanted to help her Ayi find new work. She came highly recommended and met the criteria I had in my mind for the “perfect” Ayi. I had my Chinese friend call the Ayi and set up an interview. 

The interview went so well. I understood her Mandarin, she spoke a little English and she was willing to work 4 hours a day twice a week (originally she had asked for 5 hours a day, but I didn’t need more than 4). She was very nice and even during the interview I could tell she was a fast learner. She couldn’t start for a few weeks yet, but told me if I could find other foreigners nearby where I lived that she would prefer this area of the city better. At the time she was working for two families, one was leaving in two weeks, the other during the summer. She would need to find new work, but would prefer to not travel as far as she was to work for those other families (almost an hour each way). 

Fast forward three months to today. I am so grateful for her! She is amazing. Paying that extra $4/day for her is worth it. Not only does she do an excellent job cleaning (which, by the way, she always asks how she can do better - love it!), but it is great language practice for both of us. Many times she’ll stay an extra 30 minutes just to talk about life, culture, whatever we want. It’s been great. My only complaint, and it’s not even really a complaint, is that she really wants to learn to cook Western food. However, I don’t need someone to cook for us. So, anytime I start baking or cooking while she is here, she will stop cleaning and come into the kitchen to watch me. I’ve learned to wait until she leaves or until she’s done with her tasks for the day before starting anything in the kitchen. I don’t mind her watching me cook or even teaching her how, but I hire her to clean and I would really like her to do that! 

I feel so thankful to have a good Ayi. Especially with the baby coming in August. It will be great to have the extra help with laundry. And, eventually, I would love to increase her time to an additional day a week so she could help watch the baby (so I can get out!), but that probably won’t be until next Spring. Two of my friends have also hired her and she seems to be getting enough hours to be satisfied. Yay! 

Hopefully, there will be no more Ayi searching for a long time. :-)

Cultural Encounters

This week, I met a friend at Starbucks to catch up and spend some time together. I love Starbucks. It's the same everywhere! Anyways, halfway through our conversation we were interrupted by an interesting cultural encounter. After living in China for over a year, I have become somewhat accustomed to some cultural differences (not all, but some I don't really notice anymore), however, this one instance really pointed out some of the major cultural differences between the West (especially the US) and China.

A middle aged man came up to our table and interrupted us to ask if my friend (who is Chinese) could translate for him. As I glanced over my shoulder at his table, it appeared he was sitting with his son, wife and a young woman who appeared to be European or American. My friend agreed to help and I waited for a few minutes while she went over to help explain a few things. When she returned, she told me that the man and his wife were hiring the American to tutor their son in English. As a thank you, they wanted to take her out to dinner but she refused the offer saying that receiving payment for her services as a tutor was enough of a thank you. I suggested that my friend advise the American to take them up on their offer, but before my friend could return to their table, they all got up and left.

The American walked briskly to the door to leave, but then noticed that the Chinese man had approached our table and was talking to my friend again. He was asking my friend if she would like to tutor his son (so obviously it didn't work out with the American). The American quickly approached me (I thought she was upset he was asking my friend to tutor his son), this is the conversation that followed.

American Woman: "Is he asking her out too?"

Me: "I'm sorry, what? No, he's asking her to tutor his son."

AW: "Oh, good. He was totally hitting on me! He kept saying I was beautiful and then asked me out to dinner!"

Me: "Treating someone to dinner as a thank you is very customary in China, I don't think he was hitting on you."

AW: "Well, he wanted me to go to dinner with just him! He just wanted a date out of it."

Me: "Uh...are you sure? My friend told me the whole family was to take you out to dinner."

AW: "Oh...That wasn't what was communicated."

After the gentleman left, my friend cleared up the encounter with the American. The family was indeed all going to dinner, and paying a compliment by saying "you are beautiful" is considered a nice gesture in China. We talked with her for awhile, and then she thanked us and left. My friend and I had a good laugh after that.

In summary, here are some the major cultural differences I noticed that presented themselves in the situation:

1) Appropriate compliments. In China, a married man telling a young, unmarried woman that she is beautiful is not inappropriate. In America? Yes, it would be. But in China it is an attempt to be nice and make the other person feel good. It is also appropriate for women to tell men they are handsome, even if their wife is sitting right next to them. I don't think about this cultural difference very much, but it's a big one. Especially seeing how offended the American was. 

2) Building relationships. The family was hiring the American to tutor their son. It is customary for someone to treat another to a meal as a thank you and even a precursor to doing business together. In China, relationships are very important. The tutor being hired saw this as a business deal, no personal relationship needed. To Chinese, even in business you build the personal relationship. Many large business contracts are agreed upon over dinner and after some drinking. In America, the appropriateness of dining together for business varies on the situation, but is mostly done after the business transaction. In China, it is done mostly before the business transaction. Big difference. The family felt that treating the American to dinner was the proper response to her agreement to tutor their son, she obviously disagreed.

3) Giving face. I don't really understand the concept of “face” very well, but I think it applies here. "Face" is a concept we don't have in America, however it is a social norm in China. By the family inviting the tutor to dinner, they were "giving face" to her by demonstrating they thought she was important enough to treat to a meal. Her refusal actually caused them to "lose face". By refusing their offer, she was saying she didn't think them worthy enough to treat her (or something like that). Face is very important in China, and though foreigners can get away with a lot in this area, it is still good to note this is a major cultural difference. Americans especially don’t consider this in most social situations, we think if you have a proper excuse, turning someone down is ok (and even polite). To a Chinese, any refusal can be interpreted as a loss of “face”, no matter the excuse. 

This encounter reminded me again of how different a culture I live in. I'm assuming that the American tutor was a newbie to China by her reactions, however, I'm no veteran. It was a good reminder to me that I still need to be a learner of the culture and ask for clarification before jumping to conclusions when encountering strange circumstances. 

Have you encountered any "cultural differences" before? How did you handle them?

A Chinese Hospital Experience

**Thank you for all your emails, comments and heartfelt words in response to the news of our miscarriage.  We appreciate all your kind words and prayers on our behalf.**

One of the hardest parts of our miscarriage experience was the cultural stress that came from so many visits to the hospital.  I mentioned in my last post that the hospital visit and admission itself needed its own blog post - well, here's that post! In our city there is an “international” hospital.  Really, it’s Taiwanese, so it’s still Chinese but not as Chinese as a Chinese hospital (if that makes sense).  At the hospital, there is a VIP wing that you could compare to a clinic in the States.  All the nurses and receptionists speak English and the process to see the doctor is just like a doctor’s office in the States.  However, it seems at the VIP wing it takes about 2-3 hours for a normal appointment.  The first time we went we were there for 3 hours.  During which we saw the doctor, had an ultrasound (where we got to see the heartbeat, I was 7 weeks pregnant – pretty cool), and did a lot of waiting.  This is not how your average Chinese person sees their doctor.

For the everyday Chinese, you see your doctor at the hospital, not at an office or clinic.  In fact, there aren’t many clinics that I know of (my friend was telling me they are becoming more common where we live, but I haven’t seen one in our neighborhood).  To give you some cultural insight, here’s a quick breakdown of the hospital experience. 

When you arrive at the hospital, you go to the registration desk (where they don’t speak English), tell them which doctor you would like to see and pay the doctor’s fee.  This is the tricky part because you have to know who you need to see to get the right care.  Everything in China is specialized.  So, if you have an ear infection, you ask to go see the Ear, Nose & Throat doctor.  I am not sure what you do if you don’t really know what’s wrong with you.  Fortunately, we haven’t had to figure that out yet.  To see a doctor at the hospital, you don’t have to make an appointment, but you can.  I saw my doctor twice in the main hospital, once with an appointment and once without, but I couldn’t tell you the difference except that if you have an appointment you can skip registration.

After registration, you head to the waiting area of the doctor you are going to see.  This is where it is interesting, at the hospital they gave me an electronic card with all my information on it.  Once we got to the waiting area, my name showed up on the screen in some sort of order of when I get to see which doctor.  The screen is kind of confusing to understand, but when it’s your turn, your name comes up in big letters and they call it over the loudspeaker.  Since I’m not Chinese, they spelled my name out over the loudspeaker.  First, last and middle name.  Too funny. 

You head to your doctor's small office.  For the OBGYN doctors, they have a little room with their computer and an exam room next door.  It is private.  It was worried about this because I heard at some Chinese hospitals the gynecologist sees multiple patients, all at once, in one room with no privacy.  Yes, I know.  Sounds like something I never want to experience.  I think this is the difference between the Taiwanese hospital and other Chinese hospitals in the city, but I’m just guessing. 

If there are any tests you need done, your doctors orders them for you.  For me, because I was seeing my doctor as a follow up to a miscarriage, he ordered an ultrasound.  Instead of the nurse taking up to the ultrasound room, he swipes my card, gives it back and tells me to go back to the cashier to pay for the ultrasound, and after the ultrasound to bring him back the results. 

So, we head back towards reception and get in the cashier line; they swipe my card and I pay for the ultrasound.  After this we go upstairs where my name is now on the screen outside the ultrasound area.  They must do a hundred ultrasounds an hour.  I am not exaggerating.  I was in and out in less than five minutes and there are 7 rooms where they are performing ultrasounds.  It is crazy.  I had to go in alone, they wouldn’t let anyone come with me, and during the ultrasound they wouldn’t let me see the screen.  It was impersonal, but incredibly efficient.

After the ultrasound, I grab a printout of my results and go back to see my doctor.  This is where I really got confused because I couldn’t figure out on the screen if my name was in the queue to see him or in the “already seen the doctor” column.  So, instead I hovered by his office door to hand the nurse the results as she shuffled in and out answering questions.  Both times she pointed to the waiting area and told me to wait.  Anyways, eventually I was called back to see him.  

It is so interesting to me how this system works.  It’s impersonal, yet because it is impersonal, they are able to see a lot of patients every day.  And it’s cheap.  Really cheap.  To see my doctor in the VIP area is 300RMB (about $50) and an ultrasound in the VIP area is 300RMB.  To see the same doctor downstairs in the hospital is 32RMB ($5!!!) and the ultrasound was 160RMB (about $26).  The price difference is crazy.  In the VIP you are paying for English service, no lines, and the comfort of the environment.  Downstairs you get through much faster (even though there are more people), but because you are surrounded by people, you are also surrounded by germs, and you have to navigate the system yourself. 

Fascinating isn’t it?  It was stressful the first time I went in, but by the second time (in the same week) I had it almost figured out. 

The really fun part was when I had to be admitted to the hospital for the D&C, that was a bit different.  After I got back to my doctor with the ultrasound results, he took one look at the printout and told us that I needed a D&C.  He could do it that day, but I needed to decide right away because it was already 11:30am and he could get me into the operating room at 3:00, but I would need to be admitted now.  

So, after we agree to the procedure, he gave me some paperwork and pointed in the direction of the inpatient admission registration.  We went up to the desk and the lady directed us over to a number machine (you know, like you use at the bank or the DMV).  Our number was 190, currently they were seeing number 65...my first thought was "how long is this going to take?"  And then, after looking around at all the empty chairs, "Where are the supposedly 120 people in front of me?" There were five total other people in the waiting area.  After 45 minutes of waiting, they finally started calling lots of numbers, without waiting for 190 to show up, we went up to the desk and they checked me in.  They didn't even ask what number I was.  There are some things in China I will never figure out...

During admission, they had us pay all the money up front.  I can't remember exactly how much it was, but apparently in China you prepay for surgery and then any money you don't use gets reimbursed afterwards.  They couldn't charge my US credit card or run my debit card and the hospital didn't have an ATM, but fortunately my friend with me had her China bank card and they were able to charge that, otherwise, I would've had to go ATM hunting.  After registration, a nurse took me upstairs to prep me for surgery and get me into my room.  They put me in the maternity ward.  Does anyone else find this strange and, maybe, a bit insensitive for someone receiving a D&C?  Fortunately, several of the nurses recognized me from when my visited my friend who had her baby there a week earlier, so I felt at ease.  But I still think it's strange they put me in the maternity ward to have a procedure that was the result of losing a pregnancy. 

After the blood work and I signed all the paperwork (that I couldn't read and they couldn't translate - too many technical words, I guess), they said I needed an EKG to make sure I was healthy for surgery.  No big deal.  Except the EKG room is on the other side of the hospital.  After a 20 min excursion to the furthest wing of the hospital (ok, maybe it wasn't that far, but it felt really far), I was able to receive the 30 second test (which I passed) and then walk all the way back to my room.  Different, right? 

3:00 rolls around and they wheel me into surgery.  The operating room nurse remembered me from when my friend had her baby the week before (she ended up having a C-section), which I thought was amazing since I literally saw her for two seconds after the baby was born.  After surgery, I was back in the room by 4:15 or so.  They kept me on the IV until 6:15 when my doctor graciously broke protocol and let me go home.  Usually, women are kept overnight after a D&C.  I think all the nurses thought I was crazy for not wanting to stay overnight, but two hours on the hospital bed were enough for me!  Steven had to go back the next morning at 10:00am to officially check me out since I left after the registration desk was closed (or something like that, I didn't really understand the reason).  

So there you have it, a Chinese hospital experience!  I think mine really wasn't that bad.  I've heard firsthand accounts of others waiting four hours to get an MRI. It was stressful at times and definitely different than what we would have experienced in the States, some part goods and some parts not-so-good.  Overall, the nurses were great and very sweet and my doctor was as accommodating as he could be.  And it was so inexpensive.  When it was all said and done, the total cost for the D&C was 2,350RMB or $385.  That included the surgery and a night in the hospital (that I didn't use).  I think a room alone in the States is more than that. 

I am thankful to have this experience behind me.  And I'm thankful that I'm at a place where I can blog about this without getting upset.  God has definitely provided peace in this area - especially because it was all such an emotional and stressful experience.

On a side note, another friend of mine just had her baby last week at the same hospital (a month after my surgery).  We went to go visit her and the nurse on duty was the same one who checked me in for my D&C.  She remembered me and was excited to see me.  I feel like I know half the staff of the maternity ward between my surgery and visiting two friends who had babies recently.  Maybe next time I won't have to take a number. 

Let's go the movies...China style

Today in class we had a short discussion about movie theaters in China.  Going to the movies in China is very different from going to the movies in the States.  I've never really thought about all the differences until today when my teacher (who taught in Singapore for awhile) was sharing his frustrations about movie theaters in China.  Here's a quick look at what you can expect if you choose to go to a movie in China.

Photo credit: Wang Zhao/Getty Images

1)  It is not cheaper.  Some things in China are cheaper, movies are not.  In fact, most of the time they are more expensive (up to $15 per person). 

2)  In the words of my teacher, "the hardware (seats, screen, etc) are excellent, the software (sound, video quality) not so much."

3)  Silencing your cell phone is not expected.  In fact, most Chinese will answer their cell phones in the movie theater.  And text.  And take pictures (or video).  We actually had a Chinese person take a picture of us (a row of foreigners) sitting next to him - he used flash and everything.  Very smooth.  In general, the cultural expectation of when and where to answer your cell phone is very different.  It is not considered rude to answer your cell phone or have it ring loudly during a movie (or in class). 

4)  There aren't many rules.  Feet on the chairs, shoes off the feet...I'm being serious.  

5)  Assigned seats.  This is also true in Thailand.  When you buy the ticket, you are assigned a seat (that you get to pick).  There isn't a "rule" to sit in your exact assigned seat, but most of the time you do or sit close to where you have your ticket.  It depends how full the theater is (the more full, the more people sit in their assigned seat). 

6)  Sweet popcorn.  Chinese love sweet popcorn.  I have not figured this one out.  

7)  No previews.  Instead it's commercials or sometimes they just get right to the movie.  It's best not to be late.
8)  Late arrivals.  My teacher shared this frustration, I have not experienced it personally.  He said many Chinese will show up 30 minutes late to the movie.  Again, I don't know why, but apparently it is often enough to cause my teacher frustration.
And lastly...
9)  Talking.  Just like the cell phone, talking is permitted in Chinese movie theaters.  It would actually be rude (on most counts) for someone to "shush" someone else.  I'm still trying to understand this one.  I think in obnoxious situations you could ask someone to be quiet, but for the most part talking during a movie with your friends is very acceptable.  Lots of chatter at the theater.

The market for movies in China is huge.  More and more foreign companies want to make sure they get in on the Chinese market.  Here's an interesting article about Iron Man 3 and what Marvel Entertainment did to make sure they got a piece of the pie.

On side note, we did go and see Iron Man 3 here and the parts they added just for China were kind of annoying (partly because they didn't translate them and partly because I had read about it ahead of time and thought it was distasteful).

Welcome Home

We got back from our vacation to Thailand on Tuesday night at 11pm.  It was late, we were tired and we slept like babies.  Last night (Wednesday), we experienced a taste of what happened while we are gone.  Not sure why there were no fireworks on Tuesday night, at least not around us, but let's just say last night we didn't sleep as well.  The video below was taken around 11:45pm.  We continued to hear firecrackers and fireworks all through the night periodically waking us up.  It's just China's way of saying, "Welcome home!"

Hiring an Ayi...a cultural experience

Now that the dust has settled from the weeks leading up to and the week of Christmas, I have some time to get back to blogging!  Wait, who am I kidding?  This will probably be the only post for the next 10 days.  That's just kind of how it goes.  But either way, being January 1st, 2013 I'm optimistic.  

Today, I interviewed an ayi for the first time ever.  If you are wondering what an ayi is, it is the Chinese word for "auntie" and is someone who will come clean, cook, take care of kids, etc for you.  Many Chinese have an ayi and almost all foreigners are "expected" to.  At least that's what I read on forums and blogs from other expats.  However, I have not felt the social pressure of hiring an ayi to help out.  My motivation for finally taking the step to hire was out of desperation.  I just can't seem to keep my house clean!  Between staff meetings at our place and having other friends over, plus language learning, attempting to make life functional in another country and working...well, not much energy left to spend mopping my entire house.  It feels overwhelming.  I have also been spending some time reflecting on my expectations of myself for living overseas.  Cleaning my own home and keeping it looking spotless was one of them.  This is not realistic.  Hiring an ayi is an acknowledgement of my need for help and a healthy move towards bringing my own expectations of myself in line with reality.

At the beginning of December I made a goal to hire an ayi by the 31st.  I have this amazing app called Wunderlist that keeps me on track for managing tasks.  Hiring house help has been creeping up the list the last few weeks.  Finally, I made the leap and enlisted my friend Joy to help me call a few agencies.  After numerous words of wisdom from friends and a lot of praying, I interviewed my first ayi today.  It was...interesting.  I learned a lot.  I don't think this particular ayi is going to work out, however it was a good experience.

She showed up at 9:00am.  I am guessing she could meet today because it is New Years Day and she probably has it off from her other job.  Before calling the agency, I decided I only needed someone two days a week for 3 hours a day.  Not a lot, but enough to keep my kitchen, bathroom and all the floors clean.  We were told this gal could work two afternoons a week.  I was wanting someone on Tuesdays and Fridays, which are the best days for us.  Anyways, she came just after 9:00, arriving before my friend Joy.  My first impression of her was great.  She came in smiling and very courteous.  Took off her shoes and coat, picked up Samson and carried him around as she asked me questions about what I would like her do and I attempted to answer.  That first impression didn't last very long.  

Photo courtesy of www.chinaworkandlive.com

I was glad she liked our dog, however her first comment about him was that he didn't have any clothes on.  Um...he's a dog.  Yes, it might be 30 degrees out but he doesn't live outside.  And when we go outside, he has a fur coat!  I think this is a cultural thing.  Samson has never shivered when outside.  I know some small dogs do get cold, however, I think Samson has a thicker coat than most other small breeds.  

After that comment, she wandered into my kitchen and then into the bedroom.  I was following her, trying to answer her questions.  To be honest, I was kind of overwhelmed.  Here was this 35-40 year old woman giving herself a tour of my home, holding my dog and battering me with questions.  It was a strange "loss of control" feeling.  Joy showed up within five minutes to help translate and I am so thankful she could come.  I couldn't have done it without her.

So we sat down at the table to go over some questions I had prepared.  Well, apparently she had questions too.  It was an interesting "interview" and I'm not really sure who was really interviewing who.  I would be giving Joy a question to ask her and, at the same time, she would start talking to Joy over me.  It was weird.  All of my questions had to do with her willingness to learn new ways of cleaning, what she has done before, expectations, etc.  Hers were much more specific, such as, "If you want me to wash your sheets, you will need to take them off the bed and put them out."  Um, ok.  Well, before we get there, let's start at can you work two days a week for me?  Turns out she could only work one weekday afternoon and the other day on Saturday.  Maybe it's just me, but I don't really want someone coming over on Saturday to clean my house.  That's not my ideal Saturday.  She responded by saying that other Chinese families she has helped continue to sleep in the bedroom and she will just be in the rest of the house cleaning.  Um...again, I think this is a cultural difference. 

We talked for over an hour.  I think it could have been much shorter.  I felt like the conversation ended after 20 minutes.  With her schedule and not being able to work two weekday afternoons (she has another job cleaning and can't switch her schedule), I felt like it wasn't a good fit.  Why make something work when I won't be happy and neither will she?  However, she really wanted the job.  The other red flag to me was that the agency we found her through told us that we do not have to pay her for holidays or times she does not come and work.  That was not what she told us.  I don't mind paying holidays (I don't want to, but if that's the way it is then I don't have a choice), however, I wasn't comfortable that the agency told me one thing and she claimed another.  

She left a little disappointed I think.  Joy is going to call the agency after the holiday to clarify the holiday pay issue and the ayi is going to find out if she can adjust her hours to do two weekday afternoons.  All that to say, I don't think I'm going to hire her anyway.  Her personality was a little too pushy for me.  Not having a good grasp on the language yet, I don't think I could hold my own with her and it would cause conflict.  

So, a few things I learned...

• Know what you want and stick to it.  I knew I wanted two days a week for three hours.  I had to stick to my guns.  She kept trying to get around it..."can I work on Saturday?"  "What if I work one day for more hours?"
• Pay attention to her comments.  I have heard from other expat friends who have hired house help that some ayis can be very opinionated and tell you how to do things.  It's very Chinese.  Well, about ten minutes into the interview, she told me that if we want to have babies we will have to get rid of our dog.  It wasn't a suggestion...more like an expectation.  I appreciate cultural insight and realize that Chinese have a different "normal", however someone who feels they can share that after ten minutes of meeting you...well, I'm not sure I can handle that over the long term.  
• You need to feel comfortable.  A few days ago, I was asking a friend in the city for her wisdom on hiring an ayi.  She told me that personality matters a lot, especially if you will be home when she is there.  This particular ayi had been helping families for over 10 years and worked several years for an Italian family.  She obviously knew what she was doing based on her questions and knowledge of more Western cleaning practices.  However, her personality turned me off.  I want to like my ayi.  We don't have to be friends, but I also don't want to feel awkward or uncomfortable.  
• Have a translator.  There is no way I would've been able to handle that interview without Joy.  Even if my Chinese was better, she was able to gain cultural insight I couldn't see.  I appreciated her thoughts about how it went and needed her insights. 

Overall, it was a good learning experience.  I feel better prepared for the next interview and understand a little more about "ayi culture" and what to expect.  I'm hopeful!  We are leaving at the end of this month for some needed time away.  I'm hoping to find someone before we leave.  That might be a lofty goal, but hey, I'm optimistic. 

Hair Salon Adventures

Today, my friend K and I went to get our hair cut.  I have been loooong overdue to have mine cut and I was grateful for the company - on a new adventure, it is always nice to have someone to laugh with.  Because, let's face it, every adventure in China has something crazy to it.  

Instead of boring you all with a step-by-step walk through of our experience, I thought I would share the highlights of the observations and lessons we learned today.  

The hair salon we chose, and not because of the welcome arch

1) I know just enough Chinese to get myself in trouble.  Right after we walked in and established that no one else spoke English (there actually was a few that did, but they were too embarrassed to speak up), we were trying to figure out the price difference in hair cuts (explained next).  I didn't know why one was more expensive than the other, so I pulled out my iPhone and opened the "Say Hi Translate" app.  Supposedly, I can talk to the app in English and can have whoever speak in Chinese and it will translate the conversation back and forth.  That did not happen.  Instead, I told the lady helping us that my phone can translate and can she speak (see, just enough Chinese to get in trouble).  She spoke into the app and...well...I'm not sure what she was trying to say, but the app translated the word "rape".  Shocked, I tried to recover but couldn't.  I was laughing but trying not to.  My friend looked surprised and I think we were both a little confused.  I'm pretty sure that wasn't what she was trying to say.  I had her try again and this time she said "Do you understand Chinese?"  Point taken. 

2) After communicating we wanted hair cuts (and not just a wash, a perm or color), the lady at reception gave us four price points.  15, 30, 68 & 108RMB.  I still don't know the difference.  After the aforementioned fail, we just guessed - I went with the 30RMB cut and K chose the 68RMB one.  During the process of getting our hair cut, I kept watching them cut K's hair and mine and was trying to figure out if they did anything different.  They used no products in my hair.  In Kristan's hair they used a little wax at the very end.  We both got our hair washed, cut and styled...hmmm...what was the additional 38RMB for?  I'm not sure either of us really know.  Our only guess was maybe K's stylist was more experienced, but we really have no proof of that point. 

Mid cut.  Notice the picture is out for easy reference. 

3) We both brought pictures and I think that helped in the overall outcome.  Both of us had men cutting our hair (very typical in China I think, almost every salon I walk past has guys working), mine looked at the picture I brought of Sandra Bullock's 'do about 20 times.  In fact, he combed my hair out and re-parted it for 10 minutes before he even started cutting.  And then he kept asking for the picture and studying it.  I would say that mine did not turn out quite like the photo - but he got the general idea.  Not as many layers as I would like, but still, not a blunt cut and I didn't feel he tried to make it Chinese. K on the other hand, reported that her stylist thinned her hair quite a bit.  She does have thick hair (more so than mine), and thinning is typical in Chinese hair styles, at least from former experiences of mine.  Anyways, the picture helped.  Even if the end result varied. 

4) Discount cards are popular.  As we were leaving to pay, the same lady who helped us when we first walked in met us at the register to pay.  She was trying to convince us to buy a discount card.  The card cost 500RMB and was preloaded with that amount.  Each time you use it, you save 20 to 25% or so.  Anyways, neither of us brought that much cash so we declined.  After I explained to her that maybe next time we'll buy one, she started all over again explaining to K.  It was funny.  

5) Some things are better about Chinese hair salons.  For one, the chair they use to wash your hair is really, really comfortable.  My neck and back didn't hurt at all, which I feel is typical in America.  It was basically a recliner with an extra pad in the sink for your head (so it's resting on something, not dangling over the edge).  They also had lockers we put all our stuff in and got a key to.  So nice!  I didn't have to carry my purse or coat around with me.  Yay!  They even gave us hot water to drink.  

So, what do you think?  Did he get my hair right?  Overall, it was better than I expected.  And I only paid $5!  Whoo-hoo.  Although I guess I could've paid $3.50 if I had bought that card...oh well.  Maybe next time.  

If I lose my hearing, it won't be from loud music...

It will be from weekly occurrences of very loud, very long fireworks displays, like the one in the video below.  We experienced this display right outside our back gate while waiting for the bus.  It was very, very loud.  The amount of black smoke pouring through the sidewalk from the firecrackers actually had me a bit worried.  It's a little hard to see, but there are lots of flowers also on the sidewalk in the middle of the fireworks.  The people setting these off were opening a new store and fireworks are typically used in the ceremony whenever you buy something new - a new car, new store, new apartment.  I think they are also used frequently at weddings.  I've had it explained to me that fireworks are good luck and help to ward off any "evil spirits".  An interesting cultural perspective!  Although, I would guess that today many people do it because it's fun and awesome to light off fireworks - and any excuse is usually a good one.