Finding House Help: A Success Story

In the past here on the blog, I’ve shared some frustrations and challenges with hiring house help, or as we say in China, an Ayi (pronounced, i-e). I had an Ayi last year for about nine months or so, but eventually had to let her go due to a lack of ability to communicate. She didn’t speak Mandarin Chinese, but rather a local dialect that neither I nor many of my Chinese friends could understand. She was also a little stubborn to learn to do new things. There are many differences among all cultures in how we approach keeping our homes clean, and she was not very willing to learn how I would like her to clean. 

After she left, I went several months without an Ayi, which made me really appreciate having an Ayi. Living in China is full of challenges and cultural stress, and having someone come help clean a few times a week is a huge blessing and something I need to maintain sanity. It feels so petty saying that I need an Ayi to maintain sanity, but you will have to trust me on this. I could write a whole blog post about how quickly my home here in China gets dirty. I will spare you (you are welcome). 

In January, I started getting serious about finding an Ayi. My strategy was to find someone who previously worked for foreigners. I had multiple reasons for this. One, they would be used to someone showing them how to clean a different way (most Chinese who hire an Ayi don’t tell them how to do their job, but all Westerners take time to “teach” their Ayi how they would like them to clean). Two, she would probably speak Mandarin, not just a dialect, and would hopefully have practice speaking Mandarin to a foreigner in a way foreigners could understand. And three, an Ayi who previously worked for foreigners would understand that we have cultural differences and would hopefully work with me to bridge the gap in these differences instead of getting upset or moody (like my old Ayi). 

My only hesitation in hiring an Ayi that previously worked for foreigners is that they usually expect higher pay. Many foreigners in China are here with a large company (Ford, Siemens, etc) and their companies pay for a full time Ayi for the family. Usually, these Ayis are paid $1-2/hour higher than Ayis who work for Chinese families. However, I was willing to pay that extra $1/hour to get someone who could meet the above criteria. I prayed about it, searched online, talked to friends and finally, I hit the jackpot. In March, I found a post on Facebook from an American who was leaving and wanted to help her Ayi find new work. She came highly recommended and met the criteria I had in my mind for the “perfect” Ayi. I had my Chinese friend call the Ayi and set up an interview. 

The interview went so well. I understood her Mandarin, she spoke a little English and she was willing to work 4 hours a day twice a week (originally she had asked for 5 hours a day, but I didn’t need more than 4). She was very nice and even during the interview I could tell she was a fast learner. She couldn’t start for a few weeks yet, but told me if I could find other foreigners nearby where I lived that she would prefer this area of the city better. At the time she was working for two families, one was leaving in two weeks, the other during the summer. She would need to find new work, but would prefer to not travel as far as she was to work for those other families (almost an hour each way). 

Fast forward three months to today. I am so grateful for her! She is amazing. Paying that extra $4/day for her is worth it. Not only does she do an excellent job cleaning (which, by the way, she always asks how she can do better - love it!), but it is great language practice for both of us. Many times she’ll stay an extra 30 minutes just to talk about life, culture, whatever we want. It’s been great. My only complaint, and it’s not even really a complaint, is that she really wants to learn to cook Western food. However, I don’t need someone to cook for us. So, anytime I start baking or cooking while she is here, she will stop cleaning and come into the kitchen to watch me. I’ve learned to wait until she leaves or until she’s done with her tasks for the day before starting anything in the kitchen. I don’t mind her watching me cook or even teaching her how, but I hire her to clean and I would really like her to do that! 

I feel so thankful to have a good Ayi. Especially with the baby coming in August. It will be great to have the extra help with laundry. And, eventually, I would love to increase her time to an additional day a week so she could help watch the baby (so I can get out!), but that probably won’t be until next Spring. Two of my friends have also hired her and she seems to be getting enough hours to be satisfied. Yay! 

Hopefully, there will be no more Ayi searching for a long time. :-)

Ramblings...

So, I have like a million thoughts roaming around my brain. Honestly, I could probably write several blog posts right now about all the things running around in my head. But I won’t because I don’t really have time to write more than one blog post and because I’m not sure you will want to hear all that babble. 

I’m thinking about Mother’s Day and after reading this blog post and the follow up posts and comments, my heart felt so confused. Not in a bad way. Rather, in an uncomfortable way that was pushing me out of my “box” and into new territory. I resonated with that blog post so much. How can we honor mothers yet not exclude other women? (I’m not wanting to start a dialogue on here, just asking the question that is in my head) And then, on Mother’s Day, in a country that doesn’t celebrate it, our church did. And they asked all mothers to come to the front. Not just stand up, to come up to the front. My heart sank. I sat there (yes, I sat, I know I’m pregnant but I did not go up) thinking “Is anyone hurt by this? Why does this bother me so much? How can something meant to honor such an important person feel wrong?” So yeah, it was weird. My heart was heavy the rest of the day. And then, after church I ate lunch with a Chinese gal who shared with me that she had to “get rid of” her second pregnancy because of the one child policy. She already has a daughter. When her daughter was two, she got pregnant again. In her own words, “I had no choice, I had to get rid of it. It was so hard to do because to me that was my baby, it was life. It hurt me. Now I try really hard to not get pregnant because I don’t want to have to do that again.” My heart broke again listening to her struggle. She didn’t share with me so I could pity her, she was factual in her retelling yet also graceful. I’m not even sure why she told me, I guess because she was asking about my pregnancy and we were sharing stories. Let’s just say Mother’s Day touched my heart in a way it hasn’t been touched before (maybe because God is shaping it into a mother’s heart?). 

The nursery is currently in an uproar. Ok, it’s not that bad - but it’s not even close to ready. We have one wardrobe full of all things baby and it’s somewhat organized. I had to get it organized because my friend graciously threw a baby shower for me & Peanut a few weeks ago and I needed to make sure I had space to put all the wonderful gifts we got. I’m ready to start getting that nursery ready! I have also been really wanting a rocking chair or glider for the nursery and thought I wouldn’t be able to find a comfortable one without breaking the bank, however, last weekend I was hired to photograph a maternity session for a couple expecting their first later this month and they had a glider in their nursery! I was so excited about it. And they got it on Taobao!! Why didn’t I think of that? Man, Taobao really does have everything (as my husband always says). 

Pregnancy is still going well. I don’t have a new belly photo for you…hmmm…I should do that today. Baby girl is super active and rolls and tumbles all the time. She also gets the hiccups almost every day. It’s cute. I’m liking this stage of pregnancy much more than the first trimester. 

I think that’s enough rambling for today. I’ll try and post some pictures of the baby bump later this week. And I have a few other posts I’ve been wanting to get up. Hmmm…get the nursery ready or blog? That is the question. 

The big 2-0 week ultrasound

**In all honesty, this post was written on Friday and is being posted today, Tuesday. I’ve been having internet problems and haven’t been able to access Blogger. Sorry for the delay!**

Today I'm blogging from Maan Coffee, the coolest new coffee shop in Nanjing. Seriously. It's so fun. And I'm blogging on my iPad, which always is a challenge but totally doable. It's raining, Frank Sinatra is playing in the background and baby is kicking and rolling around like a champ (I think it was that waffle with strawberries I shared with Steven). Good day? I would say so. Except for the massive influx of allergy inducing pollen flying through the air lately. 

April has flown by & we have been so busy...I've been wanting to blog about our 20 week appointment and ultrasound but really haven't found the time lately. Well, today, 4 weeks later, is as good a day as any! 

First things first, it's a GIRL!! My intuition proved correct. I had a sense she would be a girl, but was afraid to expect a girl. We already had a girl name picked out, so I'm happy to say that name picking is over. One more thing to check off the list. 

Baby Girl’s profile

Also checked off the list is finding the doctor and hospital we want to deliver at. I was really struggling with where to have this little one. I knew I wanted to go to Shanghai to an international hospital, but didn't feel excited about our options at United (one of the larger hospitals). I have many friends who have delivered there in the past and had good experiences, but I didn't really have peace about it. Plus, the doctor I was seeing was American but had been on maternity leave in the States. I had this sneaky suspicion that she wasn't going to return...well, I was right. We had our 20 week scheduled for United on a Saturday but ended up with a conflict. I called to reschedule and found out two things, 1) my doctor had resigned and would be staying in America and 2) they couldn't reschedule my appointment and so I would, in their words, "have to keep it." So....we changed hospitals. I was nervous, but felt we needed to try something else. We are hiring a doula to help us navigate the crazy of having a baby in China, and she recommended a brand new hospital called Redleaf. She also gave me the name of a doctor on staff there she felt was really supportive of her patients. I called & they had an opening! 

So, we went to Redleaf. And it was amazing. I will sum up the experience by saying the hospital staff, doctor and whole process exceeded our expectations. Here's why...

1) Personilzed care. From the moment we walked in the door to when we left the staff took extra care to make us feel comfortable and taken care of. They each made an effort to know my name and never once did they "call" for me to come to reception, go back for my appointment, etc. Instead, the nurse or receptionist would find us where we were sitting and, by name, ask me to fill out a form or to follow her back to see the doctor. I was a person, not just another patient to see.

2) Our doctor is amazing. She's German and has been practicing in China for awhile. She was so kind and took almost an hour with us answering questions, getting to know us and talking about what kind of birth we wanted. When we went in to the ultrasound, baby was hiding, our doctor quickly came to our aid to ask the tech what she needed me to do so we could have the ultrasound. She understood we came to Shanghai specifically for this ultrasound and was not willing to let us be disappointed. We ended up being able to come back after lunch. Also, the doctors at Redleaf are on a rotation for delivery, however, our doctor has opted out wanting to be able to deliver all her patients' babies. She really impressed us. And I felt totally at ease with her. 

Easter Sunday - 24 weeks!

3) The ultrasound was amazing. They had a 40" TV mounted on the wall for us to watch as the tech measured and took pictures. It was one of the coolest experiences I've ever had. Being able to watch our baby on the screen and feel her move at the same time was amazing. Wow. Steven said it was one of the highlights of his life. Awww.... They also gave us a DVD with all 95+ photos they took of her! At no extra cost. 

By the time we left the appointment, I knew we found "the one". And it wasn't their state-of-the-art equipment, fancy new building or meticulously maintained grounds that made us choose Redleaf. It was their personal approach to healthcare. I'm so thankful to have an option in China like Redleaf. 

Meeting with doctor and seeing our little one on the ultrasound made it all more real for me. A little nervous, but mostly excited to meet our daughter in August. 

Pregnancy Milestones

I’m terrible at keeping records or tracking progress, especially with this pregnancy. We’ve only taken three “belly photos” at 14, 17, 19 & 20 weeks. Oops. That’s ok. I’m not really that person who documents everything anyways. There are, however, a few “milestones” I would like to keep track of. When trying to think of a way to track them, I thought “why not use the blog?” Yeah, why not? So, there you have it. Instead of having information scattered between apps on my phone that I’ll never look at - let’s put it all in one place! 

Milestones so far…

1) “Morning sickness” is over. Thank the Lord! It wasn’t until after week 16 that I was able to eat most foods again (and some still make me sick), but for the most part I would say I’m almost back to my normal self. I definitely don’t eat as much as I did pre-pregnancy, but I eat enough to stay full and snack more often…so I probably do eat just as much (just not during meals). Sometimes at nighttime I still feel nauseous if I eat a big dinner, but I haven’t “tossed my cookies” in several weeks and I would say that’s a very good sign! Also, taxis and buses (my main modes of transportation) have an instant effect on me - as soon as I step on the bus or enter a taxi I feel nauseous. Bummer. 

2) Cravings. These come and go. One day I want chocolate cake, the next day I don’t - I guess that’s why they’re called cravings! My latest craving has been corn tortillas. Wow, I want them so bad. I actually found some online from a store in Shanghai which ships to Nanjing. Going to be ordering those this weekend. I’m also craving candy - which I normally never want. Swedish fish would be my first choice, but since those are not to be found anywhere I have settled for fruit snacks and some sour gummy worms I randomly found. Crisis averted. I don’t want chicken. Beef anything sounds good (so weird). Lately I’ve been wanting Indian food, we might have gone to our favorite place twice this past weekend. Totally worth it. 

3) Sleeping is getting hard to do. I really like to sleep on my stomach, but my growing belly is making that increasingly difficult. Between that and getting up twice a night to use the bathroom, I’m not sleeping as much as I would like. I’ve heard others say it is God’s way of preparing us women for a newborn…He just thinks of everything! ;-)

4) I can feel the baby move! Yes, last week on Monday, I had just taken a nap and was lying in bed checking email when I felt this weird “flutter” in my abdomen. I’m 100% positive it was the baby. Since then, I have felt the baby move throughout the day (usually when I’m sitting still or lying down). Only once did I have my hand on my belly and felt a kick from the outside as well. Being able to feel the baby move has really changed my attitude towards this pregnancy. Instead of focusing on all the ways I feel crummy, I am now filled with wonder at this life inside me. So amazing! 

5) Speaking of the belly, I can no longer wear belts. Yes, this belly is growing! Though I’m not fully in maternity clothes yet, belts are a no-go. Yesterday I had to finally bust out the rubber band trick on my skinny jeans. And for those of you “dying” to see a belly photo, I included one for you. It’s my awkward-is-she-preggo-or-fat belly. I can’t wait until I actually look pregnant with a round belly and can secure a seat on the subway or bus! One of the perks of being pregnant in China. 

6) Tingling feet. I think this is a pregnancy thing. At least I hope it is, because if not I might be losing my mind. Sometimes I get these painful itches on my toes or the bottom of my foot (like a sticker is stuck in my foot) and other times my foot feels like it is tingling, but it isn’t constant, more like a cell phone on vibrate is ringing next to it. In fact, the first time I felt my foot tingling like this I went looking for my cell phone on the floor. Yup, it was that convincing. 

So there you have it - a few big milestones! This week is half-way through (whoo-hoo) and tomorrow we have our next ultrasound which will hopefully tell us if Peanut is, as the Chinese say, a Prince or a Princess. We are also hoping to finally have some good pictures of this little one to share. 

Now, please excuse me while I get back to my Nutella and pretzels...

Cultural Encounters

This week, I met a friend at Starbucks to catch up and spend some time together. I love Starbucks. It's the same everywhere! Anyways, halfway through our conversation we were interrupted by an interesting cultural encounter. After living in China for over a year, I have become somewhat accustomed to some cultural differences (not all, but some I don't really notice anymore), however, this one instance really pointed out some of the major cultural differences between the West (especially the US) and China.

A middle aged man came up to our table and interrupted us to ask if my friend (who is Chinese) could translate for him. As I glanced over my shoulder at his table, it appeared he was sitting with his son, wife and a young woman who appeared to be European or American. My friend agreed to help and I waited for a few minutes while she went over to help explain a few things. When she returned, she told me that the man and his wife were hiring the American to tutor their son in English. As a thank you, they wanted to take her out to dinner but she refused the offer saying that receiving payment for her services as a tutor was enough of a thank you. I suggested that my friend advise the American to take them up on their offer, but before my friend could return to their table, they all got up and left.

The American walked briskly to the door to leave, but then noticed that the Chinese man had approached our table and was talking to my friend again. He was asking my friend if she would like to tutor his son (so obviously it didn't work out with the American). The American quickly approached me (I thought she was upset he was asking my friend to tutor his son), this is the conversation that followed.

American Woman: "Is he asking her out too?"

Me: "I'm sorry, what? No, he's asking her to tutor his son."

AW: "Oh, good. He was totally hitting on me! He kept saying I was beautiful and then asked me out to dinner!"

Me: "Treating someone to dinner as a thank you is very customary in China, I don't think he was hitting on you."

AW: "Well, he wanted me to go to dinner with just him! He just wanted a date out of it."

Me: "Uh...are you sure? My friend told me the whole family was to take you out to dinner."

AW: "Oh...That wasn't what was communicated."

After the gentleman left, my friend cleared up the encounter with the American. The family was indeed all going to dinner, and paying a compliment by saying "you are beautiful" is considered a nice gesture in China. We talked with her for awhile, and then she thanked us and left. My friend and I had a good laugh after that.

In summary, here are some the major cultural differences I noticed that presented themselves in the situation:

1) Appropriate compliments. In China, a married man telling a young, unmarried woman that she is beautiful is not inappropriate. In America? Yes, it would be. But in China it is an attempt to be nice and make the other person feel good. It is also appropriate for women to tell men they are handsome, even if their wife is sitting right next to them. I don't think about this cultural difference very much, but it's a big one. Especially seeing how offended the American was. 

2) Building relationships. The family was hiring the American to tutor their son. It is customary for someone to treat another to a meal as a thank you and even a precursor to doing business together. In China, relationships are very important. The tutor being hired saw this as a business deal, no personal relationship needed. To Chinese, even in business you build the personal relationship. Many large business contracts are agreed upon over dinner and after some drinking. In America, the appropriateness of dining together for business varies on the situation, but is mostly done after the business transaction. In China, it is done mostly before the business transaction. Big difference. The family felt that treating the American to dinner was the proper response to her agreement to tutor their son, she obviously disagreed.

3) Giving face. I don't really understand the concept of “face” very well, but I think it applies here. "Face" is a concept we don't have in America, however it is a social norm in China. By the family inviting the tutor to dinner, they were "giving face" to her by demonstrating they thought she was important enough to treat to a meal. Her refusal actually caused them to "lose face". By refusing their offer, she was saying she didn't think them worthy enough to treat her (or something like that). Face is very important in China, and though foreigners can get away with a lot in this area, it is still good to note this is a major cultural difference. Americans especially don’t consider this in most social situations, we think if you have a proper excuse, turning someone down is ok (and even polite). To a Chinese, any refusal can be interpreted as a loss of “face”, no matter the excuse. 

This encounter reminded me again of how different a culture I live in. I'm assuming that the American tutor was a newbie to China by her reactions, however, I'm no veteran. It was a good reminder to me that I still need to be a learner of the culture and ask for clarification before jumping to conclusions when encountering strange circumstances. 

Have you encountered any "cultural differences" before? How did you handle them?